Thursday, April 30, 2009

Fatherly advice for Miley Cyrus and other Tween girls

Okay, so you make more in one day than I’ll earn in my entire life. Your father - who has probably been intimate with more women than I’ll know in my entire life – has guided you well.

Miley Cyrus, I have the two most wonderful children – about five years older than you – so I know I’m a great father. I have some fatherly advice for you beyond what your father has given you.

First, dump Justin Hunko. You’re only 16, he’s 20 something. Guys from 14 to 80 only want one thing from a girl, the conquest. Girls have a Romeo fetish – see Taylor Swift lyrics below.

Go out – you’ve got the money – go to Phoenix’ Desert Ridge (or Tempe Marketplace) any Friday or Saturday night. You’ll meet all sorts of guys; Slim and Shady, the white rappers, the skater boys, the gamers, the hair metal guys. Every variety you should be meeting at your age. Get as much experience dating different sort of guys and don’t settle on one until you’re at least 26.

No. 2, get a good education. Sure you’re making $400,000 per day, but you may not realize how many people are screwing you out of that money. You may be making that much, but the music industry leeches are probably costing you $600,000 per day. Get a business degree to learn how these vultures are taking your money.

Learn how to invest. Dubai – a foreign country – is trying to buy up the U.S. With your current and future earnings, you could probably buy that country – go ahead – buy In N Out Burgers while you’re at it. Invest in your future.

Go shopping. Have funs with your friend. I’ve heard it out of your own lips, you’re 16 going on 30. You work hard. Most girls your age are going to school, cleaning the house for mom, etc. You’re privileged, but you’re still ONLY 16 – enjoy it. You’ll never be 16 again – same when you’re 23.

Imagine the heads you’d turn at Desert Ridge when you, Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato and Vanessa Hudgens all head for the Hollister store. Have fun with it!

Love yourself. God create you – and everyone else on this planet – because he loved them. If God loves you, you can love yourself. That is so hard for so many Tween girls. Work on that as the number one thing in your life.

Lastly, listen to your parents. They’re not as dumb as you think. They’ve been around the track a few times themselves. If they don’t want you dating that one guy, there’s probably a good reason.

Also, stay away from Taylor Swift songs. She has a Pollyanna outlook on the world. Listen to the Tubes “Don’t Touch Me There” and similar songs.

Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
you’re gonna believe them
and when you’re fifteen
feeling like there nothing to figure out
well count to ten, take it in
then you’re on your very first date and he’s got a car
and you’re feeling like flying

Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
who changed his mind and we both cried

Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
you’re gonna believe them

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